So I’ve been reading this book In the Eye of the Storm by Max Lucado; and let’s just say, I’m loving it. (You’ll see in a minute how this book ties in to what I’m about to write).
The month of April has not been a very good month for the Fishers. We’ve dealt with some family issues, I lost my wallet, the near death of our beloved dog, and now the loss of a child. Late last week, I found out I was pregnant – which was a great shock, but exciting nonetheless. So as Robert and I began to make decisions and change our life plans to factor in another baby, things changed again. Yesterday, I lost the baby.
Another thing I’d like to note before I continue: on March 31, I returned home from a mission trip to Guatemala with my church. After we landed, our pastor told us all that, being in Guatemala, we were ‘on a mountain’ and that the transition back home could put us ‘in a valley’, but God called us to follow Him on mountains and in valleys. So I think April 1st, I fell into my valley and I’m still waiting to get out. (I guess I need to thank Pastor Dave for preparing me for the valley I’d be stuck in for the month of April)
I think, more often than not, we try to play God and work through our own problems instead of depending on Him to help us through. And this is where the book In the Eye of the Storm comes into play.
“There are times in a person’s life when, even in the midst of them, you know you’ll never be the same. Moments that forever serve as journey posts…..I saw God. The God who can’t sit still when the storm is too strong. The God who lets me get frightened enough to need Him and then comes close enough for me to see Him. The God who uses my storms as His path to come to me.”
Robert and I were not planning to have another baby, in fact, it was probably the last thing we were considering right now, so when I found out I was pregnant, we were both very surprised. I was in awe of God’s great power. After only a few days I had adjusted to the thought of a new baby in the house and I was excited. I was starting to think about teeny tiny fingers and toes and late night snuggles. The thought of it just made me glow. I had begun to dream of what we would be like as a family of 5. But then, things changed in an instant. A lot of tears, a lot of prayers, and 6 hours at the ER later, the dreams I had just had were gone. They did an ultrasound and the doctor explained that he didn’t see a baby.
My first thought, like I’m sure many other have thought, was “why is this happening?” But then I remembered what someone in similar situation said once before, that God trusted me enough to carry one of His little babys, even if it was only for a short time, and that alone should remove my despair. That’s not to say I’m not sad. Emotionally, I’m spent right now – I just wish I could crawl in bed and sleep for a while, but life must still go on and I still have two of the sweetest little girls in the world who need me to be there for them.
Another line from In the Eye of the Storm says, “Out of fear would be born an act of faith, for faith is often the child of fear….Faith begins when you see God on the mountain and you are in the valley and you know that you’re too weak to make the climb. You see what you need, you see what you have, and what you have isn’t enough to accomplish anything…Faith that begins with fear will end up nearer the Father.”
When I was at the hospital last night, I was alone and scared, Robert had to stay home with the girls, and I cried out to God. I wanted to keep my baby, but I knew that God’s will would be done, not mine. I asked God for peace and comfort, and that’s exactly what He gave me. Since they told me that I had lost the baby, I have felt God’s loving arms hugging me – and He hasn’t let go.
As heartbreaking as this situation is, I have learned something very important about my faith and my dependence on God.
“Faith is a desperate dive out of the sinking boat of human effort and a prayer that God will be there to pull us out of the water.” I’m almost positive that there is a reason why I am reading this book at this exact moment in my life.
God simply amazes me. His grace has saved me. I was to be like Peter on the sea during the storm. I want to see the face of God in the midst of my storm and run to Him, knowing He is my only way out.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is a gift of God – not by works, so that no man can boast.”
In time, God will mend this broken heart and one day I will see my little baby in heaven. Until then, I know God will be looking over him.
Dear Little Baby
Dear little baby,
Who’s not in my arms
You are resting with God
You are safe from harm
Maybe I’m selfish
For wanting you here
But the things I won’t see
Bring me to tears
I won’t get to hug you
Or feel your hand in mine
I won’t get to hold you
Or kiss you goodnight
One day I’ll be there
Where you are now
And hearing your voice
Will be the sweetest sound
But until I get there
God’s holding you tight
Just as He holds me
Through this painful night