If you’re looking at the time of this post, you’re probably thinking, “seriously, Jacquie, why are you still awake?” But I can’t sleep. I fell asleep almost immediately after putting the kids in bed at 7 and woke up at about 9:30, so now I am wide awake. And since I am wide awake, my thoughts are wandering.
Thought #1: I’m amazed. I have struggled a bit with processing through this miscarriage. I’ve never really known how to sruggle or deal with pain very well and I think God is trying to teach me something about coping and dealing and depending on Him. But I am amazed at the love and support that has spilled out on me by my amazing church family. I had never experienced love and caring like this before and it totally just amazes me.
Thought #2: Admit it, quit it, and forget it. When we admit our sins to God, that’s not when He first finds out about it. God first found out about our sins before we even did them. God has forgotten my sins, so why am I still dwelling on them?
Thought #3: If the God of the universe can for forgive me, then I need to forgive me. I think that is enough said. Do I really think that I am better than God? Clearly, I’m not.
Thought #4: Death. Death is a very real fear in my life, considering my husband’s profession. During Robert’s last deployment, I feared daily that I would never see him again (and if you’re a military wife, you understand how I feel). Since I have become a Christian, I have begun to learn that death isn’t so scary afterall – because what comes after death is more than what I can ever dream of. I guess now I just need to get that knowledge to move from my head to my heart.
Thought #5: Your dream may cost you a lot, but don’t quit. “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” My dreams need to be bigger than things I can accomplish on my own.
Thought #6: “I love you too, mommy.” Words that melt my heart and make all pain seem to not matter.
Thought #7: I was not planning on or trying to get pregnant, I’ve come to learn that if God wants you to have a baby, you’re going to have a baby. I only knew I was pregnant for 6 days. Some may say that it wasn’t long enough to be too excited about the pregnancy or to be too upset about losing the baby. But it was and I am. From the moment I found out, I felt that love that only a mother can feel for the amazing miracle of a baby growing inside me. I may have not been pregnant for very long, but I still love and miss my baby and I still look forward to meeting him or her one day, when I get to heaven.