For about as long as I can remember, I’ve been a very emotional person. I’ve often felt like my emotions were a bad thing. As I was growing up, I never learned how to process my feelings and I believed, for a long time, that if I felt anything that wasn’t happy, I was wrong.
Since my Christian life has begun, I’ve learned that my emotions are a good thing – God given. But I still struggle with how to process them. And since I’ve lived most of my life without bring able to deal with how I feel, I’m beginning to realize that I have 24 years worth of emotions to process through.
One thing I learned about my emotions is that because I suppress so much, I’ve become passive aggressive. I do get angry, but I’m always too afraid to tell the person that I’m angry so I take my anger out in unhealthy ways on myself.
A lot of the time, I’ve noticed, I tell people what I think they want to hear and I don’t acknowledge that my feelings have any value. I suppress my needs for the needs of others and then get mad when my needs aren’t met.
But the Bible says to get angry, but in your anger, don’t sin.
I’ve really been struggling with the truth that it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be sad, to be angry, to grieve, and to just be unhappy in general.
I think one of the most important things that I need to remember is that some of the most important people in the Bible wrestled with God and if I can’t wrestle with my Heavenly Father, then who can I wrestle with. If I can’t depend on God to still love me and be there for me even when I doubt and even when I’m angry….who can I depend on?
God, please help my unbelief.