Sometimes I wonder, where do I fit in? This is something I’ve wondered for most of my life. The “grown up” side of me says that this is a dumb thing to worry about as an adult but the socially awkward side of me reminds me that I don’t know how to relate to others.
For about as long as I can remember, I’ve been uncomfortable in groups of people. I just don’t really know how to talk to people. I’m always afraid of what people are going to think of me if I say the wrong thing.
I’ve always had friends. Some good friends, some not so good friends. But there has seldom been a time in my life where I have had a group of friends that I felt like I completely fit in with. I see how other people interact with each other and sometimes I find myself wondering, how do they make it look so easy? I think that’s why I like social media so much, because I don’t have to actually talk to people.
Today, as an adult, with children who copy things that I don’t even realize, I’m afraid that my girls will pick up my social awkwardness. I have friends from every walk of life. I can get along with pretty much anyone because I hate confrontation. But what I can’t do is relax and have a good time in a group of friends. I can’t seem to settle my mind enough to get to really know anyone. I’m often afraid that if people really knew the real me, they would turn in an instant and hats me.
I’ve been blessed by. The wonderful church and Christian people God has placed in my life. I may not yet be to a place in myself where I can comfortably enjoy the presence of a group of friends or feel like I fit in, in any group. But as lonely as I feel sometimes because of that, it’s okay. God is with me at all times and I am never really alone.
God didn’t mean for me to do life on my own and he is slowly opening me up to let others in. God has placed me in the rout community, in the right church for me to find people to walk through life with me. Now I just need to keep allowing Him to change me. Until then though, I need to depend on Him to pull me out of myself.