I don’t have designer clothes; half the time I can’t even make it through one day without getting something spilled on my clothes. I don’t wear makeup; what’s the point when it’ll probably just get smudged or wiped off. I don’t know how to “do my hair”; I can do a pony tail or messy bun, that’s sufficient for me. I don’t know what’s on TV, what movies are playing, what actors are famous, or who is popular at the time; however, I do know what my kid’s favorite cartoons and books are. I don’t watch TV, I don’t even have cable; but I do read a lot.
Most of my days are spent playing, cooking, cleaning, and teaching. I get to spend my days with two of the cutest little people I’ve ever encountered. Three and (almost) two are fun ages. They are so absorbent and they pick on everything. Even things I don’t want them to. They think everything is funny. They want to help me clean and cook and generally end up making a bigger mess than I started with, but it’s so fun to watch them try. They are innocent, precious, and carefree. And I couldn’t be happier than to watch them grow and mature every day.
I’ve really been struggling lately with the kind of parent I am. I love them and would give them anything that it is in my power to give them. But the most important thing I want to give them is teaching them to love Jesus. I often feel like I’ve failed. When they have a day where they won’t listen and they’re running my ragged, I just want to throw in the towel…but I don’t, I love them too deeply to consider that. God entrusted me with these two little girls; He trusts me to make the right decisions for them, to protect them, to care for them, to nurture them, to teach them, to lead them, to show the grace…the list goes on. It’s kind of intimidating in a way, to recognize that God trusts me this much, that He gave me these gifts…even after all I’ve done.
Sometimes I get caught up in what the world sees in me – I’m just a mom, I’m not cool or popular, I’m not stylish, I’m not famous, I’m not classy, I’m only kind of smart. But what my kids see when they look at me is so much more than that – I am their mom, I am the most popular person in their lives, I am famous and brilliant. They see me through eyes of dependence and innocence; the eyes of a child that have yet to be distorted by the world.
I want to protect them from everything. I never want them to hurt. But the truth is they will hurt and I’m not loving them if I don’t let them experience pain. What I need to do, as a loving parent, is teach them how to endure pain and who to turn to when they are hurting. I need to teach them that God is the only One who can heal them.
1 Peter 3:17 – For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.
I have expectations for myself in being a mom, and most of time I can’t measure up to them. But the good news is that I am the only one with these expectations. Because in reality, the only expectation God has of me is to trust Him and depend on Him. His grace alone is what gets me through and I need to share that with my kids.
So for now, I’m just a mom, and I’m okay with that.