I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how fragile I was before I came to know and understand the love of God. To look at me, you wouldn’t have thought I was fragile; I had a really tough exterior. But I was an emotional train wreck. A single insult from a friend or a criticism from a family member would send me into a downward spiral of negative thinking and self-analyzing. My self-esteem was in the gutter and my heart felt as if it had been trampled. I was overwhelmed by my own emotions, but I masked it.
I was fragile because I was lonely and I felt unloved. I was fragile because I felt like a failure and I wanted someone to notice me. I was fragile because I didn’t know how to make things better; I only seemed to keep making them worse.
But mostly, I was fragile because I was trying to do life on my own terms and with my own power. I was finding my identity in the things of the world because I didn’t know who God said I was.
Proverbs 27:7 – A person who is full refuses honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry.
This verse can easily describe my life before Christ. I was hungry; I was starving for fulfillment. But because I was so hungry for it, I indulged in things that would ultimately harm me and those closest to me. At the time of course, I didn’t realize that the thing that tasted so sweet was really bitter and would come back to bite me.
Isaiah 43:4 – Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.
This is who God says I am. I am precious to Him, I am honored, and He loves me. That truth, more than anything else, has helped to remove me from my fragility. When I know who I am in Him, I don’t have to try anymore. I don’t have to keep striving to find love and acceptance. I don’t have to give in to what the world wants of me because it is not the world who defines me. The best definition of something (someone) comes from the One who created it. So I will choose to listen to who God says I am, over who the world says I am.
Ephesians 2:4-5 – But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)
Grace…what a beautiful thing! I am still in awe of the grace that God continues to show me every day. He brought me back to life and saved me from my sins. It is only in His power alone that I can trust to make it through this life. Thankfully though, this life is not what I was made for. Like the old Switchfoot song says, “we were meant live for so much more.” God made us for so much more than what this world has to offer and I look forward to the day that I get to experience that in Heaven.
So in case you are wondering if I am still fragile? Yes, I am, but I am protected. I am still a very emotional person. I still cry when my feelings are hurt. I still want to avoid confrontation with other people. I am still human. But, I know now what I didn’t know before. And that is: that in the midst of sadness, pain, anger, frustration, and hurt, God is there for me and my identity is found in Him. Now, whenever I face a moment that would have before broken me, I can turn to God. I can fall into His open arms and let Him hold me together. Because I am His daughter and He loves me!
This life may hurt sometimes, but when God has helped me through the pain, I’ll be better for it on the other side.