Category Archives: Circumstances

Because I’m Still Here

The blog has been silent for some time now. I really haven’t felt much like writing. I’ve been so busy with just living this crazy life, that I haven’t had the time to make time to writing. And a non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. So needless to say, I’m writing now just to remind myself that I still know how to do this thing called writing.

This past year has been chaotic with surgeries and treatment. But now that my life has regained some sense of normalcy, it’s time for chaos again. As I type this, there are boxes filling up my house. All of our earthly possession will be getting moved into a truck tomorrow and be taken from Texas to Georgia. The Army says move and we follow as ordered.  

I’m excited for the move and a fresh start, but I think a part of my heart will always belong in Texas. We owned our first home here. We put down roots here. We’ve made friends here who have become family. Leaving isn’t going to be easy. It’s one part of the Army life that I dread. 

For someone as introverted as I am, it’s hard to make new friends. It’s hard to get out of my comfort zone, in a new city, and experience new and different things. However, introversion aside, I am excited for this move. I’m excited to go back to Georgia and see friends who I haven’t seen in six years. I’m excited to be near the beach! I’m excited to start this new adventure with the people I love the most. 

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be a family that doesn’t move every few years. What it would be like to settle down in one place and raise a family. Growing up, we moved every two years for as long as I can remember. I guess that’s probably why I hate it so much, because I’ve done it so many times. 

Life is chaotic. There are so many unknowns and what ifs. Nothing is certain. But it’s beautiful if you just embrace it.


My Life With Chronic Illness

Last year, I was diagnosed with Elhers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS). EDS effects my body’s college production and leaves all of my connective tissues – mainly my joints, feeling weak and hypermobile. I’m constantly in pain, and yet I get accused of being whiney or dramatic.   
I have had joint pains my entire life. As a kid, I was told that it was just growing pains. I learned to understand that being in pain was just my normal, and I didn’t know for a long time that it wasn’t normal for everyone. I have already undergone 4 surgeries and have at least 1 more surgery pending. 

  
Most recently, after 6 weeks of intense headaches and random vision disturbances, I went to the eye doctor for a routine eye exam and he sent me straight to the ER. My optic nerves were swollen and bleeding. The last few days have been a whirlwind and I received a diagnosis of pseudotumor cerebri (PTC). With PTC, my brain is essentially reacting like I have a tumor, but there is no tumor. I’ve had two ER visits in the last 48 hours and have lost part of vision (hopefully only temporary). 

  
I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I keep asking why this is happening to me. I ask why I’m in so much pain. But no one can really tell me….it’s just the luck of the draw.

  
Chronic illness and chronic pain are miserable. No one understands it. People think I look fine, so I should feel fine…but most of the time I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. 

  
Today, I’m in incredible pain from a lumbar puncture. I want to feel “normal” and not be in so much pain. I want to function at my normal level or productivity…but I simply can’t. 

  
Some days are good and some days are bad. I feel like my life is like a wheel of future, I never know where it’s going to stop. 

  
I often have to cancel plans with friends because my pain level gets too high. Or I struggle to get out of bed because it hurts to move.

  
So, I ask you to stop thinking I’m whiney or dramatic and understand that my life is much, much different than yours.


I Have Borderline Personality Disorder

An open letter to those with questions…
I have a mental illness. I’m not crazy and my illness doesn’t define me. I have borderline personality disorder. I’ve struggled with self harm, bulimia, and suicidal thoughts. But I’m still alive and I’m still fighting. 
I know that many of you have wondered where I’ve been over the last few months…so here’s the truth – I’ve been in and out of the hospital since January. I tried to take my own life in April. Thankfully, I was unsuccessful. 

  
Every day is a battle for me. I wrestle with myself and my own thoughts – thoughts that I cannot control. I try, with every fiber of my being, to not let my mental illness effect those around me. But the truth is, if you care about me, my mental illness will effect you. 

  
You see, I don’t view the world the same way you do. I obsess. I worry. I isolate. I cry. I over think. I panic. I hide. Sometimes, I wish I could just run away. 
Borderline personality disorder is a living hell. Those of us with BPD have an extremely difficult time regulating our emotions, an unstable sense of self, and a hard time maintaining relationships. It’s been said that people with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement. I didn’t choose to have BPD. According to the doctors, BPD most frequently develops in children who have been abused, neglected, and/or abandoned before the age of 5…circumstances that’re beyond the control of a small child. BPD develops as a way to cope with a world that makes no sense. It’s our brain’s subconscious way of helping us deal with the chaos in our lives. 

  
I might not be very good at being a friend. I don’t know how to talk to people. I’m terrified of rejection and abandonment. I don’t do small talk. I hate talking on the phone. Most days, I would give almost anything to just be able to interact with the world like a “normal” person. My family often walks on eggshells around me, not knowing if I’m having a good day or a bad day. 
I constantly feel guilty and ashamed for the effect that my mental illness has had on those closest to me. I wish I could give my husband and children more of me, but BPD takes so much from me that I don’t have much left to give. 

  
The biggest thing you need to understand about BPD is that I struggle with emotions. I hate emotions because they scare me. I feel things on a much deeper level than most people. I can feel extreme joy and happiness. But I can also feel terrifying depression and anxiety. I don’t understand emotions. I don’t know how to cope with them. Even when I feel extreme joy, I am overwhelmed with fear about what to DO with that emotion. 
So to sum it all up, if you take only one thing away from this post, please remember that I love deeply and, just like everyone else, I long for love and acceptance. I am only human. You many not understand me – don’t worry, I don’t understand me either. But I ask that you please be patient with me. If I don’t answer you calls, don’t take it personally – sometimes I just can’t find the strength to talk on the phone. Sometimes I don’t know the right words to say – don’t take offense to it. 

  
I love fiercely and deeply. Next time I frustrate you, please understand that it is not intentional. I’m just trying to learn how to cope with this world and handle a life that often makes no sense. 


To Run or Not to Run…

Why is running so important to me? – That’s a really good question. I’m not sure if I can fully answer it, but I’ll try.

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I was never a runner in my child or adolescent years. In fact, I hated running. Running was the bane of my existence. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough in most things I did, and running only backed up that thought. I always said I “couldn’t” run. I didn’t know how to breathe and I didn’t know how to handle the ache in my muscles. So I just stuck to swimming – I loved swimming. Being in the water was, quite possibly, one of the best feelings to me. I was not, nor would I ever be, a runner…or so I thought.

Then, one day last May, I decided I wanted to run. The thought was insane. I hated running, why did I want to run? But I gave in to the thought and I ran. And you know what, I fell in love with it. Even at 240 pounds and even though I could barely run a quarter mile without thinking I was going to die, I fell in love with it and I kept trying.

Running was the first thing in my life that was hard for me and I knew would be a challenge, but I kept going anyway. You see, I’m my own worst critic and I’ve never been very confident in my ability to do anything. When confronted with anything that might be hard or challenging, anything that there was even a possibility of me failing at, I would quit. Quitting was easier than trying and failing…or so I thought at the time.

So back to why running is so important to me, running taught me a very important life lesson. Running taught me that, if I was willing to try, I would find out that I was capable of much more than I thought I was – both mentally and physically. Running became a release for me. When I had a bad day, I ran. When I had a good day, I ran. When I was sad, I ran. When I was happy, I ran…you get the picture.

Then, running became an addiction and it took over my life. I lived and breathed running. I got injured, but I kept running.

Now, as I’m recovering from surgery to remove the sesamoid bone that I shattered…from continuing to run on an injured foot, I am reassessing my deep desire to run again. Last month, I was told by my rheumatologist that I should NEVER run again. I have a rare disorder called Elhers-Danlos Syndrome that effects my joints (and many other parts of my body). Because of this disorder, my joints are very loose and I have had frequent dislocations and sprains of my joints, throughout my life. My ankles and knees are some of my most unstable joints and, obviously, running is not very productive when then joints in the legs are weak.

But running brings me so much joy. I can’t really just STOP running altogether, can I? I mean, running does not define me. Whether or not I run is not the most important part of my life, and I do recognize that…but to be totally honest, I’m just not ready to give it up. So I’ve been doing some research. My joints will never be as stable as most peoples joints, but there are things I can do to protect them. There are things I can do to run again.

I’m not going to give up on running. I will protect my joints and I will be smart about it. But I will still run. It may not be much, and that’s okay.

Being a runner is so much more than running. It’s the determination and the drive to want more for myself and my life than I ever dreamed possible. It’s the willingness to dream big and do the work necessary to achieve those dreams. Being a runner has given me to confidence to also face struggles in other aspects of my life because if I can run, I can do anything. I am an overcomer!

I refuse to let this disorder control my life. Some of the most joyful times in my life have been during a good run and I will not give that up without a fight.

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Human Fragility

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how fragile I was before I came to know and understand the love of God. To look at me, you wouldn’t have thought I was fragile; I had a really tough exterior. But I was an emotional train wreck. A single insult from a friend or a criticism from a family member would send me into a downward spiral of negative thinking and self-analyzing. My self-esteem was in the gutter and my heart felt as if it had been trampled. I was overwhelmed by my own emotions, but I masked it.

I was fragile because I was lonely and I felt unloved. I was fragile because I felt like a failure and I wanted someone to notice me. I was fragile because I didn’t know how to make things better; I only seemed to keep making them worse.

But mostly, I was fragile because I was trying to do life on my own terms and with my own power. I was finding my identity in the things of the world because I didn’t know who God said I was.

Proverbs 27:7 – A person who is full refuses honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry.

This verse can easily describe my life before Christ. I was hungry; I was starving for fulfillment. But because I was so hungry for it, I indulged in things that would ultimately harm me and those closest to me. At the time of course, I didn’t realize that the thing that tasted so sweet was really bitter and would come back to bite me.

Isaiah 43:4 – Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.

This is who God says I am. I am precious to Him, I am honored, and He loves me. That truth, more than anything else, has helped to remove me from my fragility. When I know who I am in Him, I don’t have to try anymore. I don’t have to keep striving to find love and acceptance. I don’t have to give in to what the world wants of me because it is not the world who defines me. The best definition of something (someone) comes from the One who created it. So I will choose to listen to who God says I am, over who the world says I am.

Ephesians 2:4-5 – But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)

Grace…what a beautiful thing! I am still in awe of the grace that God continues to show me every day. He brought me back to life and saved me from my sins. It is only in His power alone that I can trust to make it through this life. Thankfully though, this life is not what I was made for. Like the old Switchfoot song says, “we were meant live for so much more.” God made us for so much more than what this world has to offer and I look forward to the day that I get to experience that in Heaven.

So in case you are wondering if I am still fragile? Yes, I am, but I am protected. I am still a very emotional person. I still cry when my feelings are hurt. I still want to avoid confrontation with other people. I am still human. But, I know now what I didn’t know before. And that is: that in the midst of sadness, pain, anger, frustration, and hurt, God is there for me and my identity is found in Him. Now, whenever I face a moment that would have before broken me, I can turn to God. I can fall into His open arms and let Him hold me together. Because I am His daughter and He loves me!

This life may hurt sometimes, but when God has helped me through the pain, I’ll be better for it on the other side.


Who do You Trust for Protection?

For most of my life, I could only wonder at what is was like to be protected. I longed for that kind of protection that only a daddy could provide. I longed to feel like I was worth being protected. As I got older, I threw myself, head first, into horrible situations in hopes that it would be in that situation that a man, any man, would step up and protect me (it’s only in retrospect that I know the reasoning behind why I was doing such crazy things). But all the reckless behavior and perpetual lies only led to more disappointment and resentment when no one ever protected me they way I thought they should.

Through a series of unexpected, but fortunate, events, I’ve come to know that there’s only One who can protect me the way I want; the way I need. And I can’t expect my husband, my parents, or anyone else to protect me the way God can.

Last week, I was driving Robert’s truck down the highway at 70 mph with my parents and my kids in the truck. Out of nowhere a car comes over into our lane, running us off the road in the process. As soon as I saw that car, I gripped the wheel as hard as I could and swerved onto the shoulder, I was all I could do to control the truck once it hit the gravel and I did not think that I was going to be able to control it. I was sure that we would were going to crash into the guardrail. But somehow, the truck came to a stop. Shaking and scared, I looked at the backseat; my girls were safe, smiling, and ALIVE! But that’s when I noticed that Rylinn (2 years) had pulled her arms out of the straps in her car seat. IF we had wrecked, she likely would have been killed. If the car had hit us, the truck, most likely, would have flipped because of the height of the truck, the lowness of the car, and the slight angle of the road. I believe, had that happened, my mom, who was in the passenger seat where the car would have hit, and Rylinn would not have survived and that Mackenzie (3 years), my step-dad, and myself would have all been severely injured, if not dead. I don’t know what the outcome would’ve been if we had hit the guardrail, but I don’t think it would’ve been pretty and I don’t think Rylinn would have survived that either. These scenarios have played over and over in my mind and each time I think about it, I am simply amazed by God’s power and His great, great love.

After later talking about it, my mom told me not to give myself so little credit about not being able to control the truck because I did great and she was proud of me. But here’s the thing, I don’t think I stopped that truck – God did. It was definitely a “Jesus, take the wheel” moment. It only last a few seconds but it felt like hours and it was, quite possibly, the most terrifying moment of my life. It was a moment where, I believed, the lives of four of the people I love most in this world were in my hands and my actions would either save them or kill them. But what I’m realizing in retrospect is that their lives weren’t in my hands at all, they were, and are, in God’s.

That was the first time in my life that I have, that obviously, witnessed God’s hands protecting me. If it were only within my power, I would’ve lost control of the truck and we would’ve wrecked. I am so very thankful that I don’t have to go through life on my power alone; that God is with me through every step.

So my next point is about trust. Every day we trust in so many things, without even realizing it. When we get in our cars, we trust that they will work properly and get us safely to our destination. When we get on the road, we trust the drivers in the other vehicles to drive safely and abide by the laws of the road. When we eat at a restaurant, we trust that food we are ingesting will not make us sick. The list could go on and on and on, but I’m sure you get the picture by now.

We have to put our trust in something or someone, so where is it? I know that I struggle every day (at least once, if not more) with trusting in my own power when I have seen obvious situations (like the one above) where it is only by God’s power that I was able to be successful.

It’s only in trusting in God’s power and protection that we will be able to make it through this world with peace and joy. This world is hectic and chaotic and dangerous and without the understand God is ultimately in control of it, we’d be lost and drowning in our own worry.


Right Where I Am

I think we all struggle with thinking we’re not good enough and working hard to get where we need to be. While hard work isn’t a bad thing, hard work for the wrong reasons is. Working to get where you think you need to be is just absurd (I know because I’ve done it). God would rather we work hard to glorify Him and trust Him to get us to where He knows we need to be.

This morning, I came across a beautiful thought by Oswald Chambers, “Never allow yourself this thought, ‘I am of no use where I am,’ because you certainly cannot be used where you have not yet been placed.” It made me think of where I was before I came to Celebrate Recovery. I believed, IF (and it was a BIG if) there was a God, then He couldn’t possibly love me or use me where I was. I always thought I was too broken to be of any use to the God of the universe and too bad to be loved by Him.

Oh how I was mistaken!!

How often do we try to get ourselves out of whatever circumstances we’re in? We, in our human nature, try to avoid pain at all costs. But in trying to avoid it, some of us walk straight into it. I know that’s what I did for MANY, MANY years. In trying to avoid pain, I had trapped myself under layers of masks, lies, and hurt that I wasn’t able to get through on my own. So God, being loving and faithful, sent people into my life to break down the barriers. It’s been a year since I began Celebrate Recovery, and in that year I have learned that God IS using me, right where I am.

It still astounds me that God isn’t going to wait until I have my junk together to use me, but He has been using me from the beginning of my recovery (even though I didn’t believe it or see it at the time). God is using me right now, right where I am. I mean logically, He can’t possible use me where I haven’t been. And knowing that makes me thankful for where I am and where I have been. I’m not proud of my past by any means, but I no longer regret it because without it I wouldn’t be right where I am today.

We live in a broken, fallen world and until Jesus returns, there will continue to be pain and heartache, but our gracious God will continue to use that pain and heartache to glorify Himself. The question is, are you willing to submit to His will for your life?


Because I am His

Over the past few weeks I have been bombarded, in nearly every study I have been doing and books I have been reading, with the truth of who I am in Christ and who I was made to be. I did not realize it until a few days ago, but it seems like God is trying to tell me something. Something I really need to tune in and listen to.

Ephesians 1:5, 13 – he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will…In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit.

When I came to know Christ, almost a year ago, I did not know who I was or who He was for that matter. I was lost, with no clue how to get to where I needed to be. It’s like I was wandering in the mess I had made of my life and I did not know where to begin to get out. It seemed the more I tried to fix things, the worse I made them. It was a cycle…a cycle that I was trapped in.

Then, as a crazy turn of events, I met my dad. With his faith, he contradicted everything I had believed. And through a series of serious and life changing conversations, my dad led me to believe that this whole Christianity thing might not be so crazy after all.

Through another series of unexpected events, my mother-in-law led me to Celebrate Recovery. When I first showed up there, I was like, “Seriously, what am I doing here!!” The first lesson I heard at CR was on Sanity. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. It was when I heard that, that I realized there might be something wrong with me after all and maybe this program would be good for me. I felt like I had spent the previous 24 years of my life doing the same things over and over and over and over (you get the picture) and always expected something to be different. It never dawned on me that if I wanted things to change – I would have to change.

But the thought of me having to change terrified me. I did not like who I was or where I was headed, but changing meant facing the unknown and I did not know if I was ready for that. You see, my life had been built up of mask upon mask, and removing those masks terrified me because I did not know who was under there and what if, when all the masks were removed, I found out I hated that “me” just as much as I hated the masked “me”.

But God put some wonderful people in my life to help me through the scariest parts of the transition. As I began my Celebrate Recovery step study, I was forced to answer some hard questions about myself. I really had to look at myself and look to the core of my emotions and pent up feelings. It was quite overwhelming when I realized I had suppressed my feelings for the last 24 years and was forced to face them. I’ve never known how to deal with anger, sadness, frustration, betrayal, etc.  For most of my life I just pushed those feelings away because I was afraid to feel them, but I was learning I had to feel them if I wanted to be healthy. So I processed through things that hurt me when I was 8 as well as things that hurt me just the week before. The feelings were all so fresh that is didn’t feel like there was any time lapse.

Throughout most of the journey, I struggled with who I was in Christ. I struggled with seeing myself as God sees me and not as the world sees me. I struggled with not being ashamed of myself and who I was because He isn’t ashamed of me. I struggled with realizing that He really could love me even after all I had done. But thankfully, God gave me a wonderful sponsor and spoke words of love and wisdom into my life. She helped me to see that I am loved and I am cherished by my Heavenly Father.

I never got to be “daddy’s little girl” growing up, and that is what I wanted more than anything else. And even though I now have a healthy relationship with my dad, a relationship that I wouldn’t change for anything, I will never be able to change those years of longing for him and I will never be able to go back in time and be “daddy’s little girl”. But what I now know is that it’s not too late to have that relationship with God. I am His daughter and He wants me to come to Him, as a child who just wants to crawl up in her daddy’s lap and know she is loved.

Psalm 68:5 – Father to the fatherless, defender of widows–this is God, whose dwelling is holy.

Over the last year, specifically the last eight months, I have come through a tough battle with myself and drawn closer to God. I have cried, I have laughed, and I have felt more love that I ever knew existed toward me. I have learned who I am in Christ and I have been able to rest in that.

1 Thessalonians 1:4 – For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen you.

But now that I am nearing the end of my step study and planning to share my testimony and become a leader at Celebrate Recovery, I have been faced with a lie that I am not good enough. I have forgotten who I am in Him and for the last few weeks I have been faced with an immense amount of insecurity about who I am. I have really struggled with fear of becoming who I used to be, forgetting that Christ died so I could be set free from that slavery and because of Him, I now have the power to say no to temptation and turn away from my sin.

Galatians 5:1 – For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. (What an amazing truth that I don’t have to EVER go back to where I was; He freed me from that.)

Thankfully though, God hasn’t given up on me and He still continues to show me more love and grace than I deserve. He continues to pour His blessing into my life. In the last few weeks, He has really been showing me that I am who He says I am, not who I believe myself to be. After all, He made me and He knows me better than I do, I’d rather believe and trust Him anyway.

Romans 8:17 – and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.


Really God, THIS is Your plan?

It’s hard to remember sometimes, that we have a sovereign God who is in control of all of our lives. Especially in the midst of my circumstances, when all what I really want to say is, “Really, God, this is Your plan?” I often have to remember that evil does not come from God. The truth is, we live in a fallen world and the sins of this fallen world have circumstances. Whether it’s our own sin or someone else’s sin, we get caught in consequences.

Philippians 4:11-13 – Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Sometimes, I find it hard to be content in whatever situation I’m in. My mind often wrestles with my heart over my belief that God is good and God is in control. I know, from experience, that God is in control of it all and is with me, even in the bad times and that He’ll bring me through whatever life throws my way (even if I don’t want Him to be).

This is something I have really felt convicted about lately. Sometimes, I just wonder why I am where I am. Why, if God is so sovereign, is this where He wants me? God knew, before I was ever born, about me and what my life would be like, so why did He choose to let me have life? Did God really know this is what my circumstances would be?

Jeremiah 1:5 – I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart

I need this constant reminder. There’s something powerful in knowing that I didn’t just drop into this world by accident but that God knew me before I was ever here. God knew me before I ever knew Him. God loved me protected me even when I didn’t believe in Him. Why? Because I am His!

Psalm 139:16 – You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

This verse can settle my anxious soul. When I am worrying about my circumstances and why I am in them and why God doesn’t remove them, this verse calms me. God knew MY ENTIRE LIFE before I ever took my first breath. He knew the choices I would make, He knew the sins I commit, He knew the sins that would be committed against me, and He knew how I would respond to all of that. That kind of power pretty much boggles my mind, but I think that’s one of the MANY reasons God is amazing.

Maybe my life would have been a lot different had my circumstances been different, but I wouldn’t be right where I am today if they had been. You see, I’ve seen my fair share of bad times and felt my fair share of pain, but even before I understood who He was, when I didn’t want Him, and when I didn’t know He was there, He was right next to me helping me make it through. God isn’t going to bring you to anything that He won’t bring you through.

Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

God has a plan for me and as long as I am willing to follow His will instead of my own, He will give me a future and a hope.

I need to start letting my actions coordinate with my beliefs. If I believe God is control of everything, then I need to act like, even when times are hard and I feel like God is punishing me. I need to remember that the evil in my life doesn’t come from God, but that God is there to help me through.


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