Tag Archives: doubt

7-in-7 Day 5: Almost Within Reach

I want to tell a story
Of the power of grace
You may not believe it
But I’ll tell it anyway
At one time I thought
I could be good enough by myself
I didn’t need Jesus
Or anyone else

You see, not long ago
I was lost in this world
Broken by shame
I was a scared little girl
A smile on my face
Would tell the world I was fine
But the shame in my heart
Would tell me that I’m lying
I had endured abuse
And tried to take my own life
I had heard talk of God
But didn’t believe the hype
If He was so great
Why were my arms lined with scars
If He was so loving
Why was I falling apart

So I just kept on reaching
For the next thing I would need
To be happy, find peace
As I watched my soul bleed
At some point I would find it
Joy, love, and peace
If I would only try harder
It was almost within reach

“Almost within reach”
That’s a funny thing to say
It means the same thing as
“It’s too far away”

My mind was convinced
That I could fix all my problems
I didn’t really need to face it
In order to solve them
I could push them away
And ignore the burning pain
That rose in my heart
With the break of each day
It was almost within reach
I had almost achieved it
I was almost enough
I really couldn’t believe it

“Almost within reach”
Means I’d still fall on my face
When I jumped out to grab it
I’d land in a pool of mistakes
If I had only tried harder
If I had just been better
I’ll reach it one day
I’ll just try over

What was I reaching for?
What did I want to achieve?
Every time I thought I made it
I still landed on my knees
Peace, that’s what I wanted
Peace in my heart
Peace that would stay
In spite of my scars

That’s when I met grace
It was “almost within reach”
Almost, but too far
So God reached out for me
He said, “this is yours,
Stop trying to earn it.
Let me love you where you are
And you can have it.
You are a sinner
You can’t be good enough
But if you’re willing to see it
I’ll show you true love.
Look at the cross
And the love that was shown.
My Only Son gave His life
To make you my own.
To you, new life is given
It is freely yours
Only because Jesus died
To conquer the war.”

New life, grace, mercy?
What exactly did that mean?
Could I really stop trying?
Could I really “just be”?
The answer was yes
That’s all He wanted from me
God simply wanted
To give my soul peace

“Almost within reach”
Was always a lie
Peace couldn’t come
From clinging to my life

I don’t pretend to understand
Why God is who He is
I can’t fathom His greatness
All I need to know is this –
I’m not who I was
His grace changed my heart
Jesus loves me, He saved me
And He’s healing my scars
Day after day
His mercies renew
And day after day
I find peace in the truth


7-in-7 Day 3: He Will Equip Me

Last night I had conversation
Trying to understand
Even when I doubt
God has a master plan
This conversation started
As most they often do
As I questioned my worth
And remembered the truth

“Why am I here?
What do you want with me?
I fail You all the time
You continue setting me free.
I’m just a broken sinner
I have nothing to offer You
I can give You my heart
But it’s been battered and bruised
You know the things
That I hide in my heart
And You know the shame
That’s torn me apart.
But You still call me
To follow Your lead
And You give me vision
That I might see.”

My Father is faithful
He’s loving and true
So it shouldn’t surprise me
That He’ll put me to use
“Your sins – I abhor them
I hate what you’ve seen
But the hurt that you’ve felt
Is what brought you to Me.
I’ve cried when you’ve cried
I’ve offered my love
My precious child
You are enough.
You won’t understand
The depth of My grace
All you need is love
And a child-like faith.
Love others like Me
Share the hope that you’ve found
Don’t wander this life
Without making a sound.
Your feelings will change
But I never do
Give Me your life
And I will equip you.”

A Conversation with God

A late night conversation
Brought her to her knees
Writhing from the agony
Of her own selfish needs
She once felt so close to Him
Felt His love in her life
As life does, it got harder
And she averted her eyes
She thought she was alone
But knew He hadn’t abandoned
She had shut Him out
Leaving her to feel lonesome

“Father, I have let you down
And turned my back on You
In the midst of chaotic life
I’ve gotten lie and truth confused
Will You take me back
Even after all of this
I am nothing but dust
I am Judas’ kiss
I have spent all of my strength
In search of peace through chaos
But with blinded eyes I didn’t see
I was on a path to lost
I have grown weary
I can’t fight any longer
The knowledge in my head
Reminds me You are stronger
But will You still be strong for me
After the way I’ve treated You
I desperately need to know
That Your words are really true”

Her words started to tremble
As tears welled in her eyes
She pulled them back, held them in
Mustn’t let Him see her cry
She was afraid to show Him
Just how far she had fallen
Even after all He’d done before
She was struggling to trust Him
That is when she found herself
Lost in conversation
With the Shepherd of her heart
The author of salvation

“Sweet daughter, listen to me
My arms are always open
No matter what you’ve done
I want to heal what’s broken
If you will just stop trying
Child, I will offer peace
A peace that only come
When you let go and turn to me
You’re wearied and you’re worn
You weren’t made to haul this load
Just rest here and let me back in
You’ll never be alone
Though you think you’ve gone too far
Remember I can heal your pain
Because of my love, I see white
Where you see crimson stains.”

His words knocked her down
Humbled, to her knees
She wondered why a Holy God
Would listen to her pleas
She needed mercy, needed grace
But believed she was too deep
She dug herself into a hole
But the sides were just too steep

“I don’t deserve what you have offered
I have tripped and I’ve rebelled
You’ve reached for me, I turned away
Back into the comfort of my shell
I want to feel Your love
I want to seek Your face
But I just feel so undeserving
Of Your Heavenly place.”

By now she felt defeated
Sure that He’d turn her away
But secretly she hoped
He wanted her to stay

“How many times can I tell you
I am always at your side.
Let go of your excuses and rest
I am directing your life.
I already know
The sins you try so hard to hide
Let it go and lean on me
You’ll find healing in your cries
You will never earn your way to me
So stop trying so hard.
My Son died for all your sins
To ransom your heart
Be still and know
That I am your God
Until you rest in my love for you
There’s no joy in my laws
All I ask from you in trust
Trust me with your life
Cling to what I have for you
And let go of your pride.”

She fell into His arms
And basked in His embrace
The tears that she’d be hiding
Now covered her face
She had gotten so confused
And she gave into Satan’s lies
She can live bound in chains
Or she can let Him free her life

“Abba,” she whispered
“Father, I am sorry.
If you will, please take away
My guilt, my shame, my worry
I will seek Your truth
And Your love most of all
I’ll depend on Your strength
In the times I fall
All my life and all my worship
I give you all of me
That’s all that I can offer
To a King above all kings.”

The Process of Emotions

For about as long as I can remember, I’ve been a very emotional person. I’ve often felt like my emotions were a bad thing. As I was growing up, I never learned how to process my feelings and I believed, for a long time, that if I felt anything that wasn’t happy, I was wrong.

Since my Christian life has begun, I’ve learned that my emotions are a good thing – God given. But I still struggle with how to process them. And since I’ve lived most of my life without bring able to deal with how I feel, I’m beginning to realize that I have 24 years worth of emotions to process through.

One thing I learned about my emotions is that because I suppress so much, I’ve become passive aggressive. I do get angry, but I’m always too afraid to tell the person that I’m angry so I take my anger out in unhealthy ways on myself.

A lot of the time, I’ve noticed, I tell people what I think they want to hear and I don’t acknowledge that my feelings have any value. I suppress my needs for the needs of others and then get mad when my needs aren’t met.

But the Bible says to get angry, but in your anger, don’t sin.

I’ve really been struggling with the truth that it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be sad, to be angry, to grieve, and to just be unhappy in general.

I think one of the most important things that I need to remember is that some of the most important people in the Bible wrestled with God and if I can’t wrestle with my Heavenly Father, then who can I wrestle with. If I can’t depend on God to still love me and be there for me even when I doubt and even when I’m angry….who can I depend on?

God, please help my unbelief.

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