Tag Archives: faith

Jesus, I Need You

You ever have one of those days where the enemy feels the need to remind you of every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life? Yup, today was one of those…this was my response – I had a talk with Jesus.

Jesus, I Need You
Here I stand broken
I’ve got nothing to bring
I’m holding on to the lies
Like a cat on a string
I’ve pierced my own skin
And denied Your truth
I’ve gotten lost in my mind
And I let go of You
Jesus, I need You

My stomach is empty
Poison courses my veins
My body is fading
I can’t handle this shame
You say You can reach
All the way out to me
But I feel just one step
Too far to be free
Jesus, I need You

If You know my heart
You know my evil thoughts
I once held on to You
But I let go and I’m lost
I’m trying to fight
The lies and temptations
But few things can compare
To power of starvation
Jesus, I need You

My sin is enclosing
Around my every side
The truth is fading
While I cling to the lies
I worthless and useless
You’ll never love me
The voices keep screaming
That You can’t save me
Am I too far gone
To receive Your grace
Your love and Your mercy
I’m just a disgrace
Jesus, I need You

I’m crying to You
As loud as I can
My ground has been shaken
And I can no longer stand
My voice, it cracks
As I beg You to answer
Because, Lord, if You don’t
My heart won’t endure
If You can’t save me
I have nothing left
The only choice I will have
Is to end it in death
Jesus, I need You

Then I heard Him…
“Daughter, You have me.
I’ve always been right here
So let me confront you with truth
In the midst of your fear
You are faced with two choices
Only you can make
You can wallow in pity
Or admit your mistakes
It comes down to one question
Do you believe
That I died on a cross
Nails in my hands and feet
I was scared too
Just like you are now
But even then I loved you
Enough to pour my blood out
You could never pay
The price of your own sin
My death on that cross
Is the only way You’ll see Him
I conquered death
And I took on satan
So that you could be free
From this life you are living
So tell me, is that enough
For you to trust
Will you stop fighting
And just give it up
Or are you gonna tell me
That my death was in vain
That I died on that cross
Just to feel the pain
I died for you
So that you could live
I’ve made your heart new
You’ve been forgiven
I didn’t deserve
The death I received
It was meant for you
But I took it on Me
So don’t you yet see
That I want to help you
If you’ll give me your hand
Just trust that I can rescue
You must make a choice
So what will you choose
My arms are always open
Just waiting for you.”

Jesus, I am so sorry
For my doubt and control
Please take it all
My heart, mind, and soul
I need you to heal me
I need your strength
I’m scared and confused
But I’ll trust what You say
Jesus, I need You

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He is With Me

Sometimes she wonders
If she is alone
Living here on this earth
She’ll never be home
The pain and the heartache
Stings to her core
She cries and screams out
“I can’t take much more.”
She empties herself
At the foot of His cross
With a trembling voice
She whispers, “I’m lost.
Where do You want me?
What am I doing?
Day after day I feel
Like I’m headed for ruin
My body feels weak
And my emotions are numb
I’ve hidden for so long
The pain can’t be undone.”

Her words just pour out
She hopes that He’ll hear
The agony she is facing
From years of despair
Too scared to move
She can’t face this alone
He puts His hand on her shoulder
And says, “you’re not on your own.
Rest in Me
And let me carry you through
I love you, I saved you
I know you’re confused
When you are weak
I am your strength
When you are scared
You must simply have faith.
I’m always at your side
Even if you can’t see
You’ll know I’m here
If you’ll reach out for me.”

His words felt like peace
And in Him she collapsed
“I’m so tired of fighting
I can’t change the past.
I’m clinging to my life
And by that I’m dying
I say I’m okay
But I’m only lying.
Take me, hold me
I want to give up
Why do I keep trying
To be good enough.
If I was thinner
If I was pretty or smart
Then and then only
Would I have clean heart.”

With His arms around her
He comforts her cries
“Sweet child, I love you
Let go of the lies.
None of that is true
You must know by now
For your soul to be saved
I poured my love out.
The shame that you carry
Isn’t yours to bear
Let go, let me catch you
I know that you’re scared.
Your heart was broken
When you were so small
You vowed not to trust
Swore you’d never fall.
But, daughter, just look
Where has that gotten you
Your broken heart
As pushed away My truth.”

“I know that you’re right,”
She cried out to Him
“I’m afraid of my past
And of all my own sin.”

With His gentle hand
He wiped the tears from her eyes
With His arms around her
He showed her the truth from the lies
“We’re in this together
Lean on me in faith
Trust that I love you
That I’m with you each day.
I’ll never let you go
I’ll never let you drown
Trust me to carry you
Across shifting ground.
I have you in my hand
And I’m holding your heart
This life may hurt you
But we’ll never be apart.”


7-in-7 Day 7: Who am I?

I’m posting this early. Day 7 isn’t actually until tomorrow, but God laid this on my heart tonight. It’s not my usual style of writing, yet every word is deeply true.

Who am I?
Really, who am I?
I could tell you my name,
But that doesn’t answer the question.
Who am I?

I am not my age
Nor my name or my weight
I am not my past
Nor the reflection I see
I am not my mistakes
Nor the things I’ve seen

So who am I?

I am a princess
A daughter
I’m loved by a King

I am an artist
I like to create
I’ve seen hell in my life
But I’ve also seen glimpses of Heaven
I feel deeply
And I love passionately
My skin is too thin
For the hate in this world
I spew words onto paper
And empty my heart
Express how I feel
In stanzas and lines
My favorite color is purple
And there’s something about a yellow rose
That just captivates me with it’s beauty

Who am I?

I’m human
I’m a sinner
I need friends
Not a lot, maybe just one or two
To help me through life
But I’m awkward and scared
Insecure and intimidated
Too afraid that you’ll reject me
Just as soon as look at me

Who am I?

I’m not where I have been
But where I am going
I am not what I’ve done
But what I am doing
I’m learning to give love
And also to accept it.

Who am I?

I am worthy of love.


7-in-7 Day 5: Almost Within Reach

I want to tell a story
Of the power of grace
You may not believe it
But I’ll tell it anyway
At one time I thought
I could be good enough by myself
I didn’t need Jesus
Or anyone else

You see, not long ago
I was lost in this world
Broken by shame
I was a scared little girl
A smile on my face
Would tell the world I was fine
But the shame in my heart
Would tell me that I’m lying
I had endured abuse
And tried to take my own life
I had heard talk of God
But didn’t believe the hype
If He was so great
Why were my arms lined with scars
If He was so loving
Why was I falling apart

So I just kept on reaching
For the next thing I would need
To be happy, find peace
As I watched my soul bleed
At some point I would find it
Joy, love, and peace
If I would only try harder
It was almost within reach

“Almost within reach”
That’s a funny thing to say
It means the same thing as
“It’s too far away”

My mind was convinced
That I could fix all my problems
I didn’t really need to face it
In order to solve them
I could push them away
And ignore the burning pain
That rose in my heart
With the break of each day
It was almost within reach
I had almost achieved it
I was almost enough
I really couldn’t believe it

“Almost within reach”
Means I’d still fall on my face
When I jumped out to grab it
I’d land in a pool of mistakes
If I had only tried harder
If I had just been better
I’ll reach it one day
I’ll just try over

What was I reaching for?
What did I want to achieve?
Every time I thought I made it
I still landed on my knees
Peace, that’s what I wanted
Peace in my heart
Peace that would stay
In spite of my scars

That’s when I met grace
It was “almost within reach”
Almost, but too far
So God reached out for me
He said, “this is yours,
Stop trying to earn it.
Let me love you where you are
And you can have it.
You are a sinner
You can’t be good enough
But if you’re willing to see it
I’ll show you true love.
Look at the cross
And the love that was shown.
My Only Son gave His life
To make you my own.
To you, new life is given
It is freely yours
Only because Jesus died
To conquer the war.”

New life, grace, mercy?
What exactly did that mean?
Could I really stop trying?
Could I really “just be”?
The answer was yes
That’s all He wanted from me
God simply wanted
To give my soul peace

“Almost within reach”
Was always a lie
Peace couldn’t come
From clinging to my life

I don’t pretend to understand
Why God is who He is
I can’t fathom His greatness
All I need to know is this –
I’m not who I was
His grace changed my heart
Jesus loves me, He saved me
And He’s healing my scars
Day after day
His mercies renew
And day after day
I find peace in the truth


7-in-7 Day 2: When Memories Aren’t Real

Memories are funny
Like an image in your brain
They play over and over
Bringing tears of joy and pain
The moments are long gone
But somethings, you can’t forget
The good, the bad, the ugly
Images forever in your head
Some memories are joyous
And some are sharp with grief
Either way they ask a question
Where’s the root of your belief?

What do you remember?
What do you call truth?
Do you ever stop a wonder
If you got truth and lie confused?
We remember things we’ve seen
Things we’ve said and done
But our feeble minds aren’t perfect
And memories can come undone
What was it she said?
What was it that you saw?
Can you really trust a mind
That’s deeply prone to flaw?

Our memories can change
And we can’t recall the past
Some things we can see clearly
Some things we can’t get back
Our memories aren’t always true
That’s the wonder of our brains
They function in a way
To help us fill in the blanks

So where is your belief?
In the things you think and feel?
Or do you trust a God who’s unchanging
Who’s love is boldly real


7-in-7 Day 3: Safe

Safe
Do you ever feel like you’re drowning
Under the weight of your choices?
And you just want to ignore
The condemning voices
You want freedom from sin
But your too afraid to let go
What if living this way
Is better than the unknown?
If you’re not in control
You don’t know what comes next
But at this very moment
You could take your last breath

Let me tell you this truth
And just let it sink in
You’re not in control of your life
Without God, you can’t win
You can’t save yourself
You can’t try hard enough
Doing it on your own
Will leave you giving up

So give up, it’s okay
That’s all God asks for
Give Him the life that you have
And He won’t ask for more
Your sins and mistakes
He will take those away
If you’ll only commit
To doing life His way

It’s easy in theory
Harder in action
To let go of your own will
And trust in His salvation
He knows what you need
He won’t settle for less
And knows you’re a sinner
And your life is a mess

But still He loves you
Just as much as before
He’s still there waiting
Gently knocking your door
He just wants you to open
Let Him into your life
He already knows you
So remove your disguise

Trust in the grace
He pours out every day
When you’re falling, let go
Just let Him keep you safe

Background: I’m tired of being the old me…the me I don’t want to be anymore…the me that hates myself…I choose to believe who God says I am and to rest in Him to find safety!


7-in-7 Day 2: Lies vs. Truth

Lies vs. Truth
Lies are infections
They snuck into my life
Looking so much like truth
I believed their disguise
After too many years
Living behind guilt and shame
I can finally see that the lies
And the truth aren’t the same
The lies took my freedom
They took too much of my time
So now I’m taking back
What’s rightfully mine

The lie says, “Try harder.
You’re not good enough.”
But the truth says, “Stop trying.
You’re already loved.”

The lie says, “You’ve failed.
You can’t do anything right.”
But the truth says, “Success.
Stop trying to fight.”

The lie says, “You’re alone.
No one will ever understand.”
But the truth says, “Have faith.
Just hold out your hand.”

The lie says, “You’re guilty.
You made the wrong choice.”
But the truth says, “Innocent.
You never had a voice.”

The lie says, “You’re shameful.
Look at what you’ve done.”
But the truth says, “Forget it.
Your freedom’s been won.”

The lie says, “You’re hopeless.
You’re too lost to be saved.”
But the truth says, “Have hope.
The price was already paid.”

The lie says, “Give up.
You’re just a disappointment.”
But the truth says, “Just trust.
You were made for a purpose.”

The lies stole my joy
And they hid me in darkness
But with the truth I’ll fight back
And with the truth I will beat this
I’m not bound by lies
The truth I have is stronger
I am loved by a God
Who says I belong here
I am honored and cherished
And He fights for me
Goodbye, lies, so long
From now on, I’ll be free

faithBackground:
Before I was Christian, I couldn’t even see the possibility of a better that God wanted to offer me because I was so blinded by the lies that had consumed me from childhood. But as I began to understand who God was, one-by-one, the lies were replaced with truth. I still struggle though, with believing the lies instead of the truth because that’s what my mind has become so used to…and I’m tired. I had a really intense session with my therapist today and it left me feeling pretty emotionally drained. But through today’s session, I was forced to look at how many of the lies of my past that are still consuming me. So, now, I am fighting back…and all I need to win the fight is the truth of a God who loves me.


No Shortcuts

There are no shortcuts that lead to anywhere that is worth going. I’ve tried to take many shortcuts in fitness and weight loss, in recovering from my past hurts, and in mending relationships with people I have hurt.

But let me share a big lesson that I have learned: SHORTCUTS DON’T WORK!!

If I want to succeed and complete what I’ve set out to do, no matter what it is, it will take hard work, determination, blood, sweat, and tears. I can’t give 50% and expect 100% results…it just doesn’t work that way.

Most people are their own worst critics, as I tend to be too. I’ve lived most of my life convinced that I was a failure and that I shouldn’t bother trying, so I never gave 100% in anything I’ve ever done. If I was destined to fail, what was the point in trying.

But what I know now, what I first learned through Celebrate Recovery, is that in my own strength, I will fail. The strength I need is a strength that can only come from God. With that strength though, I can accomplish anything.

Running has reinforced that same idea. I am not a fast runner and I am not a long distance runner; although, one day, I plan to be both. Right now, I am a dedicated and determined runner. I’ve learned, through recovery, running, and working out, what it feels like to want something so bad that I am willing to go through the pain, to hurt, to cry, and to suffer to get to my goal.

I’ve gotten to a point now, where I’m honestly just tired of excuses. If I can get out there a run 4+ miles, if I can push through 30 minutes of the pain of an Insanity workout, if I can trudge through the hurt of my past and come out still breathing on the other side…then there is no excuse as to why anyone else can’t accomplish their goals.

Now I’m not saying that I’ve done these things on my own, quite the opposite; I have only been able to push past the fear and pain because of the strength and determination from God. God will not give me a dream that He will not also equip me to carry out. It just might take a little but (or a lot) of effort of my end.

A few weeks ago I ran my second 5k. I came in at 39:10, which was 22 seconds faster than my first one. As I was rounding the last curve and into the home stretch of the race, I started to burn out, my legs started cramping and my lungs were hurting. But out of no where, I got a sudden burst of energy as Eye of the Tiger started playing on my iPod. Tell me that’s not divine motivation?

God works in mysterious ways that and it always reminds me that He cares about the little details of my life.

So why do I workout? Why do I run? Why do I continue to go through recovery? If it hurts so much, why do I do it? Because my fear of not doing it is greater than my fear of staying where I am. My pain of my past life is more painful than the process of become who God made me to be.

My body is His Temple…it’s about time I start treating it that way – physically and mentally.


All I Need

God is all I need; I know that. But I am still scared of this world. I am tired of this world – the pain, heartache, sickness, and death. I’m ready to go Home, to my eternal Home where death is no more.

Sometimes life seems so surreal. It’s so hard to fathom the things that happening right now. We always think these things can never happen to us – until they do. My family shed many tears in the last 36 hours with the diagnosis of my sister’s brain tumor. We are all scared and wondering why and how this happened.

I can’t answer any medical questions. I don’t know why and I don’t know how. I don’t know what the outcome will be and I don’t know how we will all hold up through it all. All I do know, the only thing I have to hold on to when life hurts this much, is that God is with us. He is here. He has a plan. And He is active through all of this, even though we may not see it.

I need grace for every day. Some days I need more than others, but He ALWAYS gives me exactly what I need to keep on keeping on. So yes, I am scared, terrified even, of what the future of our family will look like, but I am trusting the One who holds my heart. I trust that no matter what happens, His grace will always be enough.

All I Need
In times like this when I can’t see
All I have is hope in Thee
I’m letting go and falling hard
I need to know You’ll catch my heart
I’m trusting you to be right here
With your love to calm my fears
I need Your arms stretched out to me
Embrace me now and let me see

Walking blindly through the rain
The grip of love holds my pain
I’m scared, I’m desperate, I’m confused
Waiting to see what You will do
The only One who’s conquered death
Gives me hope for every breath

Life is hard, I want to flee
And all I have is rest in Thee
I lay my life here at Your cross
And trust in You to find the lost
Fighting this world all by myself
Leaves me crying out for help
I’m exhausted of all my strength
And trusting in Your priceless grace

Walking blindly through the rain
The grip of love holds my pain
I’m scared, I’m desperate, I’m confused
Waiting to see what You will do
The only One who’s conquered death
Lifts me up to give me rest

Hear me now, hear every plea
All I want is peace in Thee
In the chaos of this place
Help me now to seek Your face
Your love all I’ll ever need
I’m crying out on bended knee
Though it seems like it’s the end
You are there at my defense

Walking blindly through the rain
The grip of love holds my pain
I’m scared, I’m desperate, I’m confused
Waiting to see what You will do
The only One who’s conquered death
Gives me peace, He’s never left


There’s Safety in Vulnerability

I’ve never really been a “people person”. In fact, whatever the opposite of that is, is what I’ve always been – until recently.

You see, my past is riddled with my failure to trust people because I always saw other people as the source of my pain and suffering. There are very few people that I have ever really trusted and even fewer that haven’t broken that trust. I had built up barriers around my heart that I was determined that no one, not even my own husband, would EVER be able to get through because I wasn’t going to risk having someone break my trust again. But in not trusting people, I was also not loving them and not letting them love me.

C.S. Lewis saying in his book Four Loves, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” This is where my heart has been for most of my life – locked away in a casket and concealed behind so many barriers that no one could ever reach it.

Or so I thought.

God sent someone into my life who would break down those barriers by showing me His love. After years of methodical and strategical planning and lying, my heart was protected, guarded, and safe; but in minutes God’s light broke into that darkness. And I was scared.

Someone once told me, “When you’re lost, you want to be comfortable.” Unless you’ve been lost, you may not understand this statement. But it is so true. Before I knew Christ, I was lost in the darkness of my own sin, but I was comfortable. I knew where the pain was and I avoided it, I knew how to get away from things that scared me, and I knew the perfect places to hide. I was lost, but it felt safe and comfortable.

God sent a strong, merciful, and loving woman into my life and somehow she was able to break through my barriers without words. My first instinct was to run. I was scared. When His light shown into my darkness, I was forced to enter into territory of my heart that had been untouched for years and I didn’t know how to deal with it. But at the point, there was no turning back.

After years of not trusting ANYONE, I trusted her. I let the barriers come down and honesty spilled out. I was faced with the truth of my past, of my life, and of my own sin. And I didn’t feel safe anymore. I felt overwhelmed, confused, broken, and out of control. And for the first time in my life, I exposed those feelings. For the first time, I let myself be transparent. I was learning that the only way the find safety amidst the confusion and brokenness was in Him and I dove in head first!

So I listened when she spoke to me and I trusted her advice; and I actually followed her advice. I confided in her and she loved me through my pain. She showed me that I could lean on Jesus and depend on God when I couldn’t find a way to do it on my own. She prayed for me and with me. She showed me love when I thought no one could love me. She showed me that it is ok to be vulnerable and it is only in being vulnerable that I could truly experience love.

And because God sent her into my life to break down my barriers, I have been able to reveal the true me to other people. I have been able to step out of my comfort zone and into the arms of my savior. I have found safety in vulnerability.

Matthew 14:28-33 – 28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Just like Peter, I have heard Him call to me, stepped out of the boat, gotten scared, started sinking, and then He reached out for me. I think that passage perfectly depicts my venture into trusting Him. I want to trust Him in everything I do. I want to depend on Him and know that He will provide for me. However, I get scared and fear keeps me from fully following His will. But even when I fail and I fall, He still leans in with a gracious hand and pulls me back up.

In trudging through the “yuck” of my past I have found freedom, joy, and peace. I have become transparent with other people. I have learned how to love others and how to let others love me. I have seen, firsthand, the work of God in my life. None of this that I have done would have been remotely possible without Him.

My point in all of this is that even though hiding in the darkness feels comfortable and safe…it’s not! I’m here to tell you, from my experience, it only results in isolation and loneliness. It took A LOT of work and it meant a lot of tears and I had to face a lot of things from my past that I had promised myself that I would never think or speak about again. But it was worth it. God has gone every step with me and it’s only because He loves me enough to carry me and guide me through that I am able to say that I know what freedom is.

So now, I’m not afraid of trusting or loving people anymore. In fact, I’m more afraid of not loving enough; of not letting the love of Christ shine through me. I am now free to be transparent with others, to remove my masks and be myself. I am free to love and to be loved.

So here’s my advice: love everyone. You may be the one person that God has sent to break down someone’s barriers, that allows them to start trusting and loving Him. Also, don’t hide in the darkness. Darkness can’t thrive in light, so bring the darkness into God’s light and the darkness will flee.


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