Tag Archives: pain

When the Pain Wins

I’m laying in bed, begging my brain to go to sleep, but my thoughts are too focused on the hundreds of tasks left undone. The laundry that still lies, unfolded, in the basket. The dishes that still sit, unwashed, in the kitchen. The table, covered in papers and crayons, that needs to be cleaned off. The floor, sprinkled with dirt, that need to be swept and mopped. 

But here I sit, not doing any of it. And it’s not because I don’t want to do it. Because I want, more than anything, to have the strength and energy to get everything cleaned, put away, and organized. But I can’t. My body physically can’t do it. The pain I feel on a daily basis. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Second by second. The pain destroys me. Little by little, the pain pecks away at my joy and happiness and excitement. The pain steals my abilities from me. The pain is a slow and silent killer.

I don’t even know how many times I’ve been told, “it can’t hurt THAT bad,” or “it’s not even possible to be in that much pain all the time,” or “just think positive,” or “be more active,” or “it only hurts that much because you let it.”

Most people, if they can’t understand something, will deny what you’re going through. If it makes no sense to them, then it must not be an issue. 

Chronic pain. “Well, at least it’s not cancer.” “You’re so lucky that you get to lay in bed all day.” “It must be nice to be so lazy.”

I would literally give anything to have my life back that I had four years ago. I was able to run. I could lift. I could eat. I could enjoy my life. But my health took a downward spiral. Surgery after surgery after surgery…each knife has taken more from me than the previous one. And now, I’m painfully holding on to my ability to walk. 

I look back at my life and I think about all the times I took my body for granted. I used to be a runner. I used to be a personal trainer. But Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome took that from me. The constant pain takes a mental toll over time. 

I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety – I think, for as long as I can remember. But as I entered adulthood, I seemed to be able to control it. Running and working out helped a lot also. But after a while, I was in constant pain, so I finally went to the doctor. That’s when I was diagnosed and subsequently had multiple surgeries. After 3 years, I regret almost all of the surgeries I have had. I’m in more pain now than I ever was to begin with. Most days, just walking has me on he verge of tears. 

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next. I can try another surgery or I can take pain meds. But nothing will ever actually solve the root of the problem. 

But I’m the midst of my pain, I’m also a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an employee, a coworker. I’m a lot of things to a lot of people. But sometimes, I’m in so much pain that I can’t be anything to anyone.

Thankfully, those closest to me are understanding. They accept me even when I can’t get out of bed because the pain is so high. My kids have had to be more mature than others their same age because of the things that I’m unable to do. I can only hope that as they get older, they’ll understand the value of their health and of their bodies. 

I just don’t want to hurt any more. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep up with life. I just wish there was something to look forward to. But I know that I will never in my life get to experience a day without pain. 

So now what….

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He is With Me

Sometimes she wonders
If she is alone
Living here on this earth
She’ll never be home
The pain and the heartache
Stings to her core
She cries and screams out
“I can’t take much more.”
She empties herself
At the foot of His cross
With a trembling voice
She whispers, “I’m lost.
Where do You want me?
What am I doing?
Day after day I feel
Like I’m headed for ruin
My body feels weak
And my emotions are numb
I’ve hidden for so long
The pain can’t be undone.”

Her words just pour out
She hopes that He’ll hear
The agony she is facing
From years of despair
Too scared to move
She can’t face this alone
He puts His hand on her shoulder
And says, “you’re not on your own.
Rest in Me
And let me carry you through
I love you, I saved you
I know you’re confused
When you are weak
I am your strength
When you are scared
You must simply have faith.
I’m always at your side
Even if you can’t see
You’ll know I’m here
If you’ll reach out for me.”

His words felt like peace
And in Him she collapsed
“I’m so tired of fighting
I can’t change the past.
I’m clinging to my life
And by that I’m dying
I say I’m okay
But I’m only lying.
Take me, hold me
I want to give up
Why do I keep trying
To be good enough.
If I was thinner
If I was pretty or smart
Then and then only
Would I have clean heart.”

With His arms around her
He comforts her cries
“Sweet child, I love you
Let go of the lies.
None of that is true
You must know by now
For your soul to be saved
I poured my love out.
The shame that you carry
Isn’t yours to bear
Let go, let me catch you
I know that you’re scared.
Your heart was broken
When you were so small
You vowed not to trust
Swore you’d never fall.
But, daughter, just look
Where has that gotten you
Your broken heart
As pushed away My truth.”

“I know that you’re right,”
She cried out to Him
“I’m afraid of my past
And of all my own sin.”

With His gentle hand
He wiped the tears from her eyes
With His arms around her
He showed her the truth from the lies
“We’re in this together
Lean on me in faith
Trust that I love you
That I’m with you each day.
I’ll never let you go
I’ll never let you drown
Trust me to carry you
Across shifting ground.
I have you in my hand
And I’m holding your heart
This life may hurt you
But we’ll never be apart.”


The Mommy Vacation

Spending 4 days in the hospital wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I envisioned a mommy vacation. So be careful what you wish you for.

Last weekend I went to the ER for an inflamed and infected ear. I had intended to just go to the doctor on Monday, but because I was crying due to the pain, Robert suggested I don’t wait and I go to the ER.

Who knew that one ER visit would turn into 4 days in the hospital. Turns out I had a staph infection and cellulitis in the ear. The pain was phenomenal. I’ve never felt pain like that before. The doctors had to surgically drain the infection out of my ear. They had to cut into the upper ear, but because of the way the nerves work, it wasn’t possible to completely numb the ear…so I felt each incision in my already hurting ear.

That was followed by 4 days of IV antibiotics and doctors and nurses poking at the ear.

Not quite my idea of a mommy vacation.

During all this time, my first thought was what are Robert and the girls going to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that he’s incapable of caring for the girls. But as a wife and mom, my heart is for my family…so as much as I would welcome a mommy break, this isn’t what I had planned.

As soon as I spread the word that I was in the hospital, my mother-in-law came into town to help out with the girls. The wonderful ladies who I attend Bible study with sprung into action to plan meals for my family. It was nice to not have to worry as much about my family while I was away.

It’s always been hard for me to accept help…but God used this experience to remind me that it’s okay to accept help from others and it okay to reach out for help. He also used this to show me that my friends love me and care about me more than I think.

I’m so thankful for all of the people who have been a blessing to my family in one way or another. God has given me such wonderful friends and family. This hospital was scary and painful, and I wouldn’t have made it through so easily without all the prayers and blessings of sweet friends.


Help Me Find It

I recently heard the song Help me Find it by Sidewalk Prophets and I think this song describes where I am right now.

“If theres a road I should walk, help me find it
And if I need to be still, give me peace for the moment
Whatever your will, whatever your will
Can you help me find it”

I often worry over what direction God wants me to take and I think I often forget that sometimes I just need to be still and lean on Him. I think, right now, God is trying to get me to learn how to lean on Him and depend on Him.

This is just my opinion, but I think that if all of us would trust and lean on God more, we would all be a lot happier.

The last few days, I have busied myself with cleaning, cooking, laundry, friends, kids, and just about anything else I could to avoid the pain. I simply don’t want to feel the pain. This is the only way that I’ve ever known how to deal with hurt/pain in my life. I never learned how to successfully fail or suffer. So now, as an adult – a wife and mom, I am having to learn how to endure pain while not shutting the world out and how to experience hurt without shutting out the pain.

My prayer now, is that God will help me find out how to do that.


Where You Are

Where You Are
Sometimes I wonder where You are in my pain
When my heart is drowning in the world’s falling rain
When I’ve lost my heart, my love, or a friend
When I’m crying to sleep at every day’s end

Sometimes I wonder where You are in the world
When lives are taken and souls are unfurled
When children must suffer by trusted hands
When life knocks me down and I can’t understand

Sometimes I wonder where You are in my life
When I forget that Your love is greater than strife
When I can’t feel your love in this horrid place
When I can’t see the evidence of You great grace

Sometimes I wonder where You are in the shadow
When I can’t figure out just how to follow
When I have fallen into a dark valley
When the devil’s temptation directs my follies

Sometimes I wonder where You are in death
When ones that I love take their last breath
When I’m caught up in life, the pain and despair
When all I can see is that things are unfair

Even when I’m angry, even when I doubt
Your love conquers all and casts my pain out
When my human mind doesn’t get all You’ve done
And I’m crying out, won’t You call me home

Even when I hate, even when I wonder
Your merciful heart won’t let me hunger
When I am lonely, I’m ashamed and I’m scared
You remind me of the promise, You’ll always be there


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